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One of my beloved teachers, Joanna Macy, have said that our pain is BIODEGRADABLE. As we recycle other used resources into usable materials, we can also "recycle" our pain. Whether it is the pain of loosing someone or something dear to us, grieving decreasing abilities due to the old age or disease, lamenting over lost opportunities or past mistakes, swallowing in the agony of lonelyness and isolation, or feeling simply the pain for the sufferings of the world. Pain, when locked into our hearts, denied or shied away has a tendency to "rotten", weaken us, pollute our inner and outer environments, and lead to the wars within ourselves or with others.
When we suppress our emotions, we diminish our empathy, imagination, intuition, and our connection to higher consciousness. We rob ourselves of life-force, joy, creativity, meaning, and purpose. We also lose touch with our inner wisdom and become enslaved to the chaos of our wild, untamed minds—more difficult to control than the wind itself. “When we are fearful, and the odds are running against us, it is easy to let the heart and mind go numb. Because the perils facing us are so pervasive, and yet often hard to see, this numbing touches us all. No one is unaffected by it. No one is immune to doubt, denial, or disbelief about the severity of our situation—and about our power to change it. Yet of all the dangers we face, from climate chaos to nuclear warfare, none is so great as the deadening of our response. The numbing of mind and heart is already upon us—in the diversions, we create for ourselves as individuals and nations, in the fights we pick, the aims we pursue, the stuff we buy.” – Joanna Macy
“Grief has never been private; it has always been communal. Subconsciously, we are awaiting the presence of others, before we can feel safe enough to drop to our knees on the holy ground of sorrow.” From another beloved teacher of mine, Pernille Plantener, I learned that when we are lovingly acknowledged and accompanied in our genuine emotions, something profound happens. This companionship and validation can provide the courage needed to face our pain with awareness and compassion, often resulting in greater ease, increased spaciousness, and sometimes even a complete transformation of our inner state. This can serve us as a gateway, fostering a deeper connection with others, the world around us, and the Supreme. We come to understand that we are not alone and that so many of us share similar feelings. By embracing our pain, we also tap into a deep care and love for our world and fellow humans, potentially overcoming the illusion that we are separate from one another, the world, and Krishna, the Supreme Personality of Godhead.
May you be blessed with the community of brave hearts daring to be with each other in good, in bad, and in ugly. With care, Yours Madhuri Radhika Devi Dasi
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This reminded me the importance of going really slow while beginning to study and practice Empathic Communication. It takes time, care and persistency to replace lifetime long communication habits with more life-serving ones. Therefore, it's really important to slow down and go with baby-steps.
Otherwise, we may cause more damage to our relationships, and risk loosing others' trust that our goal is connection and we truly care for their needs as much as for our own. Dear reader, I am looking forward to hearing your experience in studying and practicing Empathic Communication. Joyfully at your service, Yours Madhuri Radhika devi dasi Dear Spirit Soul! Most likely, you have noticed that it might not be easy to be present for ourselves or for others in our noisy crazy world. Presence for a moment at hand, for admiring the beauty of a simple flower, for a bird singing, or for truly listening to a fellow human being is not anymore a natural part of our lives. Yet, the good news is that it’s still available to you anytime. It’s like a muscle you can strengthen. It’s an attitude to cultivate and an intention you can take on to guide your life. Here's a Powerful Precence Practice for You: It can be done alone or with a practice buddy, on-site or online, and regularity will result in mastery. Let's get into it! I invite you to find a peaceful place, sit comfortably, take a few peaceful breaths, and connect with yourself in here and now by bringing your attention on:
 "The Austrian-born Israeli philosopher Martin Buber describes the quality of presence that life demands of us: "In spite of all similarities, every living situation has, like a newborn child, a new face that has never been before and will never come again. It demands of you a reaction that cannot be prepared beforehand. It demands nothing of what is past. It demands presence, responsibility; it demands YOU." So, let's keep giving these most precious gifts of our presence to anyone with whom our paths are crossing!
With love, yours Madhuri Radhika We are in India, in an Ayurvedic Healt Care Center for rest and rejuvenation and blessed with an amazing doctor. Encouraged by our doctor to ask for what we need. In practice it plays out this way that I have to ask for many many times, in order to for example adjust the heat of the oil in a treatment, or the amount of the food duirng mealtimes to my needs.
I realised that if and when I am alert and aware enough to notice my needs are not met, and then immediately make a request it comes from the place of loving care. Then I still have spaciousness in me to care for myself and hold other person also with care and respect. I noticed with amazement, that in such a case, I have capacity to persist with my requests without becoming agitated or impatient but can continue asking for what I need with loving kindness. If I don´t realize my unmet needs early enough, or do not dare to ask for what I need, my inner space shrinks and becomes toxic. Then it is much harder to come with true request from loving caring energy for each person involved. In the book "Pathways to Nonviolent Communication* " by my dear colleague Jim Manske, one of the skills called "Beneficial regret" is defined as the following: "Acknowledging and learning from missed opportunities to meet needs, without guilt, shame, or self-punishment."  The feelings of guilt and shame have been so far too well known to me, shading my life in many different ways. I assume that anyone familiar with these destructive emotions can agree that these rob us of our joy and are unquestionably the heaviest feelings we feel. Today an incident happened, giving me a first-hand experience of the power and beauty of beneficial regret versus guilt or shame. I chanted in the temple early morning and had my phone on silent mode. When I noticed it, my good husband had been messaging and calling me, wanting to be picked up and join the second morning program. I rushed home - yet it was too late... For a split second, I got a glimpse of the road of guilt-tripping myself and decided I was not going there anymore. Yet, I didn't want to close my heart and make the face that nothing had happened. I also didn't like to resort to self-defense and justify myself. At the same time, I didn't wish to deny that I felt sad and regretted missing the opportunity to serve my beloved husband. I desired to acknowledge my need to protect myself from unwanted disturbances by putting my phone on silent mode. Yet, simultaneously, I yearned to hold my husband's needs with at least as much care as mine. The choice to stay present to my sadness, and clarity about valuing my needs as much as my husband's, opened my heart to a beneficial regret. I regretted the missed opportunity sincerely and realized that I wanted to find different ways to protect myself from disturbances so that my good husband would still have the possibility to get the connection with me when needed.  I celebrate the grace which enabled me to transform guilt into learning and to own my part in an outcome that did ultimately meet neither the needs of my dear husband nor me. I feel deeply grateful to my beloved teacher and founder of Nonviolent Communication (NVC)*, Marshall B.Rosenberg, and my Spiritual Master who is encouraging me learning, living, and sharing this process far and wide. These sweet fruits became possible only due to their causeless mercy.
*Empathic Communication is adapted to the devotee community by His Holiness Bir Krishna das Goswami from the Nonviolent Communication process developed by Marshall B.Rosenberg.
What do we mean by needs in Empathic Communication? Let's first get clear what do we mean by "needs" in Empathic Communication. By needs we mean something radicallly different than the economy we currently have tries to convince us "needing". Indeed, even by classical economic definitions, it’s not needs that the market attends to, it’s “effective demand” because there is no flow of care.  "Need" is the word we use in Empathic Communication for the deepest motivations behind anything people do, say, or think - behind any action or reaction. We are all born with essential physical, emotional, and spiritual needs and the innate resources to help us fulfil them. These innate needs are common to all humans, whatever our social-cultural background. Needs are a-scriptive, it is difficult to put words on what is also described as "the divine energy that connects all of us". Need-language is probably the closest we can get to verbally describe this divine energy. We can also call them values, or something that matters, or something that is important. Whatever we call them, we are looking for something that is:
Do needs have a hierarchy in Empathic Communication?  When we think about human needs, we may recall Abraham Maslow, who presented the concept of needs in a hierarchy. His pyramid starts at the bottom with physiological needs, then safety needs, followed by needs for belonging, then for esteem, and finally at the top, needs for self-actualization. In Empathic Communication, there is no hierarchy of needs (apart from the basic need for subsistence or survival), as postulated by Maslow. Needs are dynamic, and there may be many needs simultaneously present. All human beings share the same needs, but we perceive them with varying intensity and use different strategies to meet them. Recognizing our own and others' needs means connecting with what is alive in other people or us at a particular moment, and this is where bridging seemingly unsolvable differences become possible. "Srila Bhaktivinoda Thakura mentions that we have material as well as spiritual needs, and to progress smoothly on the spiritual path, both types of needs should be addressed." Can needs be elevated?  So, in this regard there are no "lower" or "higher" needs or question of "elevating" needs - all needs are life serving. Like in Krishna Consciousness, there is no higher or lower devotional service. Pujari's service on the altar or sweeper's service on the street are equal when done with devotion. In another hand, elevating needs can be understood what we're doing in Krishna consciousness. For example, when I am hungry and I'm taking prasad, I am not satisfying so called "lower order" need for food. It's actually the devotional service - honoring prasadam. When I am going for exercise, the gym or walking it is not just meeting my need for physical movement, but it is a service in devotion because I am doing it in Krishna consciousness. I am doing it for maintaining the body that belongs to Srila Prabhupada and is meant to be used in his service. So, it's fully bona fide devotional service. In this kind of consciousness it doesn't no longer feel like a "lower order" need because it is already elevated, it is devotional service. For example, when Srila Prabhupada was taking a massage he was not enjoying the massage at a bodily need level, he was fully absorbed in Krishna and is conscious that his body needs maintenance for service. So it's no longer "a lower order" need. When we dovetail all our needs in Krishna consciousness they're elevated. "The devotees think of Krishna, act for Krishna, eat for Krishna, sleep for Krishna and work for Krishna. Thus everything is engaged in the service of Krishna. A total life in Krishna consciousness saves one from material contamination." Another thought is that it is true that the so called "lower order" needs do disappear or diminish. For example, the Six Goswamis could survive on a cup of buttermilk because of elevation of consciousness. So it is true that by being fully Krishna conscious, they almost didn't need sleep, they ate very little and they didn't have a need for recreation other than their devotional service. "One should learn how to dovetail everything in the service of the Lord, for everything is connected to Krishna. That is the real purpose of life and secret of success." Joyfully in your service, Sri Radhika devi dasi and Madhuri Radhika devi dasi In one of the Empathic Communication workshops, an interesting question was asked: "Does Krishna demand us to surrender to Him as could be understood from Bhagavad-gita As it Is, 18.66?" "Abandon all varieties of religion and just surrender unto Me. I shall deliver you from all sinful reactions. Do not fear." Answer as well is found in Bhagavad-gita, 18.63: "Thus I have explained to you knowledge still more confidential. Deliberate on this fully, and then do what you wish to do" In a purport His Divine Grace Srila Prabhupada states: "Here the words yathecchasi tathā kuru – “As you like, you may act” – indicate that God does not interfere with the little independence of the living entity." In the purport of Srimad Bhagavatam, 3.5.28 Srila Prabhupada explains: "All living entities are differentiated parts and parcels of the Personality of Godhead. Under the pressure of false ego, the conditioned souls, although parts and parcels of the Supreme Personality of Godhead, claim to be the enjoyers of material nature. This false ego is the binding force of material existence. The Lord again and again gives a chance to the bewildered conditioned souls to get free from this false ego, and that is why the material creation takes place at intervals. He gives the conditioned souls all facilities for rectifying the activities of the false ego, but He does not interfere with their small independence as parts and parcels of the Lord." Based on this, we can conclude that Krishna doesn't demand surrender. He has given us, His tiny parts and parcels, "the little independence", or free will. So, we better do some internal inventory to discover our inner demands that are killers of joy and reclaim our power to choose! A helpful practice can be:
For example, I notice telling myself "I have to chant my rounds."
Could it be my need for connection? Connection with my true self and my divine origin, The Supreme Personality of Godhead, Krishna? Maybe it's my desire for self-realization? My desire to serve and please my spritual master?
Having discovered these beautiful motivations as a driving force behind my choice to chant, I feel empowered, I pick up my japa-mala with renewed enthusiasm and keep chanting - Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna, Krishna Krishna, Hare Hare... Gratefully in your service, Madhuri Radhika dd A current unfortunate situation in Eastern Europe touches each of us no matter how close or far we are geographically. Many of us may feel heart-wrenched and helpless, not knowing what we could do to help those suffering. Myself amongst them. Therefore I asked His Holiness Bir Krishna das Goswami who answered; "As far as the war is concerned, we should be manifesting compassion to all those affected by it.  Srila Bhaktivinoda Thakura writes in Jaiva Dharma, "A natural human sentiment, compassion finds its highest expression in the works of devotees of the Lord. The tenderness of the heart experienced toward Krishna is known as bhakti. All other jivas are servants of Krishna. When one experiences tenderness of heart toward them, it is known as daya, compassion. Therefore, compassion is included within bhakti."  Gratefully in your service,
Madhuri Radhika dd People often think about Empathic Communication (EC) as a practice for communicating with other people. It is that, of course. But it is also much more. The processes, EC offers us for connecting with ourselves, are core for integrating EC and for making significant changes in our lives. An aim of self-connection is to experience true choice and inner freedom about how we live and what we do. True inner freedom arises from self-connection. Without self-connection, we are mostly acting from old habits, and those habits do not necessarily attend to our needs. ***  What is self-connection? For me, it means: I connect with myself. Connecting with myself includes getting caring and curious about what’s going on inside me,
Adapted from late Inbal Kashtan. With gratitude and loving memory, Madhuri Radhika dd  Dear Reader,
Practice is our best ally while integrating Empathic Communication (EC) skills and consciousness into our lives. Therefore we created a space here to support each other on this sweet journey. You are most welcome to write in the comments section about your experience while using EC in different situations in your life, ask questions, share your celebrations and mournings, or ask for empathy. Welcome! Let's Get Better Together! Yours Madhuri Radhika dd |
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